Esme's Etiquette
by Saiyachick
Summary: Esme lectures the Cullen kids on their bad manners. Even vampires aren't perfect. Winner of Twilight Fanfiction Awards for best parody/oneshot


Disclaimer: I don't own the Twilight series. That right belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I don't own MTV either.

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**Esme's Etiquette**

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I whistled gleefully as I walked into my home with Bella in my arms. We had just returned from Bella's home after telling Charlie of our engagement. After a tantrum here and there along with a long talk, Charlie turned back to a healthy shade of white and accepted the idea of Bella and I getting married. Nothing could go wrong.

It was silent when I opened the door. Strange. Usually the buzzing of my family's thoughts were a constant annoyance in my life. I shrugged and enjoyed the moment of peace. Tugging on Bella's hand, I pulled her towards the staircase to announce our prenuptial status formally.

"Edward."

Bella and I stopped as Esme's voice caught our attention. We turned the right and there sat my family in the study. Carlisle was still at the hospital, thus he was not present. I raised an eyebrow at my siblings, but received no looks as each stared down at the floor. They, too, were confused about the sudden meeting.

"Sit." Esme gestured to the open space on one of the couches.

We sat without any word. Bella nudged me with a confused look, but I shrugged in response. I had no idea what was happening. Jasper seemed to be controlling the anxiety in the room while trying to keep his uncertainty in check. Squeezing Bella's hand gently, I waited for my mother to speak.

Esme smiled back pleasantly, and sat before all of us like a teacher. "So I assume Charlie took the news quite well."

"Yes," I replied.

Bella rolled her eyes. "That's an understatement," she murmured.

"Splendid." Esme stood up from her seat and began to pace. "Well. Enough with the small talk. Do any of you know why you are here today?"

"Because Carlisle created us," Emmett responded smartly. Esme stared at Emmett who bowed his head in return. "Sorry."

"Exactly," she said coolly. "You are all here because of one thing." I stared at Esme, trying to pick apart her mind. She briefly stared at me with a coy smile. "Anyone?"

Silence.

"Of course," Esme sighed while sitting down once more. She tucked her leg under the other daintily, and rested her folded hands on her knees. "Well it seems to me that my dear children have been lacking something vital. Something _very _important." She stared at each and every one of us. "Manners."

But of course. If there were ever a thing that Esme was strict about, it was manners. She felt that people these days lacked a sense of propriety with all the violence and bad influences from the many decades. I shuddered as an image of the 60s ran through my head.

"Esme?" Bella asked quietly.

"Yes dear?"

"Why am _I _here?"

Esme smiled. "Well Bella, I'm not saying that you have poor manners, because you do not, but this is merely a lesson. You will be part of our family, and I just wanted you to be here because soon enough you will be like them," Esme gestured towards us, and softly laughed. "Sweet in the beginning, but utterly inappropriate when the time seems tempting."

I honestly had no idea why _I_ was being lectured. I was Edward; the good child. Never once had I been scolded…well perhaps when I left to Italy to try and commit vampire suicide, but other than that, I had done nothing wrong. My manners were impeccable, and I always treated Bella with the utmost respect. I _was _temperamental, but that was not anything new.

"Would anyone like to own up to their flaws?" Esme asked. It was strange how she had such a soft, loving voice wrapped with severity. "Not one of you thinks you have done anything wrong?"

Silence.

"Emmett, Jasper." All heads shot towards my two brothers' who in return bowed their head's guiltily. Esme tutted and shook her head. "_Gambling? _Especially in the house. Boys, I know how much you love to wager, but betting on how many people Bella _might_ injure is out of the question."

"It was just a little game," Jasper said quietly. "No blood, no foul."

"There had better not been any blood for Jasper's sake," Rosalie muttered under her breath.

Esme shot a disdainful look towards our blonde sister. "Rosalie. You track car oil into the house, and I'm a little tired of getting the carpet cleaned every week. I ask you to please wipe your feet before you enter the house or change shoes, and yet you still deny me of my request."

"I'm sorry," Rosalie murmured.

Alice giggled softly though stopped when Esme's gaze settled on her. "Alice. You seem to have a way of eavesdropping with your visions. Are you taking advantage of your ability?"

"I am not—"

"Do not protest, my dear." Esme wagged her finger. "You are prying on other people's lives, and it is just impolite."

"I cannot help it," Alice muttered under her breath. "I'll try and refrain from doing so."

"That's all I ask." I smirked as I watched my siblings get punished for their wrong doings. I let out a low chuckle though immediately regretted it when Esme gave me a hard stare. "And _you_, Edward."

"What did I do?" I asked vehemently.

"For _shame_, Edward," Esme's expression was fiercer than ever. "I thought I did not have to worry about you."

"What are you talking about—"

"Please do not make me repeat it," Esme groaned softly.

"Allow us, mom." Emmett grinned jovially.

" '_We're doing it _your way,_ Bella. Tonight. Today. The sooner the better._'" Jasper mimicked tauntingly.

What in the world was he…oh. No! No, no, no, no, NO! Ugh. Please, dear God, if you even exist for me, let this moment just be a figment of my imagination!

" '_I love you. I want you. Right now._'" Emmett choked under his breath, clutching his stomach once more. He wiped at his eyes absentmindedly, assuming that if he could cry, tears would be streaming down his face.

I stared at Bella and then back at my brothers. My gaze fell on Esme as I gasped in horror. "_How_?"

"A little bird told me," Esme sighed.

I whirled around and glared at Alice. "How _dare _you!"

"Alice," Bella moaned while covering her face.

"It's alright, Bella," Emmett said, calming down from his fit. "We all think it's hilarious that you rejected Edward—"

"She did not reject me!"

"Shall we continue on with our reenactment?" Jasper murmured in a sultry voice. "Poor sexually, depraved vampire."

"I am not _sexually depraved_," I snarled. "Bella and I could have done such acts ages ago—" I immediately shut my mouth.

"But _someone _was too worried about his _virtue_," Bella muttered angrily. She covered her face which was now an unpleasant shade of red. "I think I will walk home."

"You'd think he would want to do something about _his virtue_ after a hundred years," Rosalie said, amused at the situation.

My face faulted slightly. I glared at my siblings and growled. "Just because I'm not as sexually obsessed as all of you—"

Jasper pulled out his cell-phone, and put it to his ear. He covered the mouth piece, smiling at my direction. "Edward. Your virgin support group called."

"I suppose even vampires are stuck with peer pressure," Bella sighed. "What a wonderful life."

Esme frowned at her family's antics and huffed. "Where did I go wrong?"

"I blame MTV," Alice chirped while dashing out of the room.


End file.
